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Will’s Honest Opinion – Too Hot To Handle – 2-20-18

A week ago I came across one of those dumb Facebook apps that change your face into something “cool”.
We’ve seen it before. You can be a cutesy animal, a french expressionist painting, a cartoon, or now with the onset of magical future tech, a member of the opposite sex. I had seen a few outputs floating around FB, and the website that hosted the app didn’t require a log-in to check it out, so I figured: “I’m bored and doing nothing, so let’s give this a whirl.” What began as a joke turned into an existential crisis as I had to seriously ponder the outcome of my life living as a man, and couldn’t help but be bogged down by the exuberant possibilities of what my life could have been should I have grown-up to be the girl that the app portrayed me as. I did it a few times, wondering: “is this a fluke?”  After 3 attempts, I realized… “ok… fuck… I’m a better looking female than I am a male.”

Needless to say, I was hot.

Each version looked like a female version of me, but also varied a bit from attempt to attempt. Lighting and shadow accentuated certain features over others, and I kept coming to terms with the idea that when I was single, these were the types of woman I was into. I guess it’s true, we do all have a type, and there’s a reason we see so many pairings out there that look like brother and sister couples.

Suffice to say, I was elated to be the sexiest girl on DT. So naturally I decided to make this my profile pic. It was pretty hilarious, and Sammy had the great idea to make a segment out of it on the show. Korey joked about how I should start a Go-Fund-Me for a sex change. I remember laughing, thinking: “that shit would break records”. The Children of the Toast had many “flattering” comments, but the scariest thing that happened was when I started to receive actual messages… In the coming days, I would start to undergo what could only be described as the weirdest experience I’ve ever had while being a member of Facebook in the past 11 years.

“Slipping into DM’s like it’s a guys job or something.”

It started out slowly but as the week progressed it became an almost hourly occurrence to receive multiple messages from someone complementing me. Usually it was just something simple like: “Yo, you as a woman is hot AF!” or “I’m not saying I’d smash but I def wouldn’t pass.” Now if this was just a bunch of comments on my post, I could understand it more because people are trying to be funny, or whatever. But these were direct messages. Why on earth would you tell me that? On top of the fact that, YOU KNOW WHO I AM! There’s no chance I’m not actually Will Valle. Wilma does not exist! And God, if she did, I hope her name wouldn’t be Wilma. The entire experience made me realize how fucking miserable it must be for some woman online dealing with this on the regular. It also dawned on me the almost impulsive like Id some guys act on, and feeling the need to literally “fuck anything that moves”. Even when it’s fake, in some realm, it’s real. And in a way you can’t blame people for being people. There’s virtually no difference between a real photo of someone online you’ve never met, and a fake one; whether they be on Facebook, Instagram. TV, porn, or an app rendering.

At this point I sent the photo to my friend, Luke, who remarked: “Wow they really rounded up, huh?” That’s when I knew I should be expecting more comments/compliments down the pike. The funniest part to me was when my girlfriend saw the pic and became jealous, asking if I wanted to have sex with the girl in the photo. As I’m thinking about how ludicrous the question was, I told her: “It’s a fucking computer composite!” But the more I thought about the question… the more I wanted to change the topic. The truth was, is the odd hypothetical started to fester in my brain. I didn’t want to wrap my head around it at the moment. And suddenly movies like ‘Blade Runner’ and ‘Spotless Mind’ had a deeper meaning. Was the true meaning of happiness within myself? The obvious answer is ‘yes’, but being a hot white girl in a digital universe answered questions I hadn’t even asked before. Like why people catfish, or go into chats as someone they’re not. The whole concept seems to fill a need in all of us. It’s why we Instagram selfies, or drop our 2¢ on topics that really have nothing to do with us. It’s about more than playing to the crowd. It becomes self congratulatory, and fulfills a momentary void.

Wanting what you can’t have isn’t a human condition though; it’s an animal instinct. A few years ago a story was reported in western Australia about a certain type of Jewel Beetle that is known for it’s attraction to, and attempted copulation with large brown beer bottles. The reason being, the bottles resemble a more attractive version of other female beetles sought out during mating season. Even when the female beetle (beer bottle) is unresponsive, or an infestation of local scavenger ants that will literally eat the male beetle alive while in the act, threatens the beetle, the beetle can not be dissuaded from it’s mission. Whether or not the bottle is real has no bearing, because at that moment it’s just enough to entice the male.

Draw whatever conclusion you want from that, but the simple truth remains; the digital age of acquisition is only getting broader. A week ago sites like PornHub actually banned fake celebrity porn videos from softwares like DeepFakes from being uploaded. This suggests to me that as the line between real and fake becomes more and more blurred, and the internet has become so many people’s only outlet or form of communication; who’s to say who the lower lifeform is; the man or the insect. At least those beer bottles were real.

-Will Valle

February 20, 2018
Double Toasted

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