Will’s Unpopular Opinion – Shift, Command, Delete – 6-6-17
Yesterday, Apple had one of their largest WWDC keynote presentations in recent memory. We got to see improvements that weren’t needed on products no one asked for. You can now put BuzzLightYear on your phone. THANK GOD! The crowd always seems to be made up of two distinct reactionary groups: the overenthusiastic screaming dip shits or the forlornly half clapping confused spectators. Mark me in the latter half. I watched the entire presentation with hopes and prayers of Cook revealing a refresh to either their MacPro or MacMini lines. Both of which have gone without so much as a RAM reconfiguration since 2013/14. I thought (foolishly) that I wouldn’t need to sit through two hours of iOS updates and we’d eventually get to the real reason Apple product users lined up in droves for. Y’now… actual computers? The thing that kinda started Apple…? That wasn’t to say there weren’t some worthwhile moments that I’m glad I tuned in for.
The keynote began in typical Apple fashion with a video opening. It hilariously depicted life on earth with downed servers. The world descended into chaos, and we got to see a live action version of Tinder, and crashing GPS driven cars, amongst other things. Although, not exactly the sizzle reels we were familiar with from past conventions, this time Apple went with something that was so self referential and mockingly satirical, it was hard to believe it wasn’t a Superbowl ad created by The New York Times, reminding you that the analog age can’t fuck with you as bad as the digital revolution can/has. I couldn’t stop laughing and looking around me as though this was some elaborate hoax by The Onion. It didn’t seem like the smartest way to start your press conference. But, hey, that’s just me.
Eventually the event pushed forward and audiences were treated to a new way to create “professional” style movie posters on an iPad. Which, A) is hilarious, and B) did not look professional at all. Although it would explain the ‘Spiderman: Homecoming’ poster of recent weeks. One of their developers took to the stage and boisterously demonstrated a bad photoshop job for the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Apart from the fact that the colors were off and the layout wasn’t true to poster dimensions, or that no designer in their right mind is doing real time computing or modeling on the go, it makes you step back and wonder: who are they marketing these products to? Because it’s not me… And that there is the real core of this article. Who is Apple’s current audience?
I raise this question because later on, Apple would reveal their new flagship top tier monster computer, the iMac Pro (in go-fuck-urself Black). A computer that crushes every other model they currently have in their catalog, and starts at the used car price of $5000. It computes at a zillion teraflops a second and has a bazillion gigs of RAM, and records your dreams for you incase you forgot the next morning. Obviously anyone and everyone who is a self proclaimed App-hole will want one, because now they’ll finally be able to cruise the internet at the speed of thought. Also, take note, this is the base model, so I’m sure if you hate eating food from week to week, there’ll probably be a $10k model down the pike.
And of course we got to hear for umpteenth time how this is the “fastest”, “most efficient” model yet, and etc etc. Well I fucking hope so! Do we expect you to go backwards?
My issue then comes down to the widening divide between consumer and prosumer products Apple is releasing. It feels as though they’re deliberately trying to make the foray into professional level design so high, that you need to either be incredibly rich to enter, or work solely for someone who already is. This makes the creative market on the lower playing field difficult to breach because the barrier to entry then becomes unobtainable for any modest income patrons. My options are, either I buy an iPad and do shit work, or I forgo rent for six months and buy a talking monolith. And I still shouldn’t buy a monitor-less computer because the ones they offer are four years old. Finally, in keeping up with the 2001: Space Odyssey theme, Apple’s final reveal was a an Amazon Echo that had a striking resemblance to Hal: 9000. I don’t personally have a lot to say about that product, except it looks old already.
Before the presentation even began, I was looking through a few links on Gizmodo and MacRumors for what to expect, and came across one of the many liveblog journals being updated at the expo. As I scrolled down I noticed a photo someone posted of a garbage can overflowing with paper Starbucks coffee cups; pouring over the side, and a few somewhat neatly placed on the side of the can. It was an oddly disturbing image for being as inoffensive as it was, but somehow spoke volumes to Apple’s contingent, wrapping around the block. In one image we saw a collection of the wannabe elitists, shoving, cramming, positioning their way into a conference that was looking explicitly to sell them on the high of having something exclusive, that would be nothing more than a momentary rush. And of course it didn’t help that the trash can in question, sorta looked like the listed MacPro of late.
-I Tried
